March 13, 2023
I often meditated on “my song I sung at night”. The gentle lullabies I listened to growing up while drifting off to sleep, the song my sister and I sang about the sun rising up and then down again, with our little flashlights in our little bedroom. The beautiful carefree moments of my childhood. The moments where endless freedom seemed to ring from my soul. The innocent mind of my childhood heart believed that the entire world must have seen the beauty too, and was seeking self-discovery in something greater than ourselves. The gifts God planted in my life, that during the time I did not fully understand the greatness of the simplicity. He was watching over me all this time, carefully painting my story. Writing it eloquently. And I danced right along with it.
“Though your footprints were not seen…” (Psalm 77). you were working oh God. You always are working.
Please allow me to be patient. To know that this part of my life requires detailed work that only a skillful master as yourself can etch together for me.
Such detailed work takes time and patience. Give me the graces to have patience.
How gracious, how beautiful is your work, oh God. I await to discover its beauty.
I await for whatever you are creating to take its form. Though it may look lifeless or formless, I know that you will create something beautiful of purpose.
I trust oh God that you are creating something for me. That you are making something of me. That you are making my life for me. That you’ve already created my purpose, and that I am simply discovering it.
Every day, I discover more what it means to be human. What it means to be woman.
My role is irreplaceable. Help me to live it daily as you wish. To lean on you and to love you.
To make my day a prayer and my life a song.
It is you that I lean on.
Without you, my tears would be meaningless, and I would be left mourning with no purpose. Alone in my sorrow, sprawled out in my own ashes.
Without you, there would be no reason to rise above and to conquer. To carry myself every day, to uphold my dignity and the dignity of each person before me.
I have fallen in love with living, even in the times where breathing is difficult or I find myself drowning or bleeding out.
Pierced with arrows. My heart ripped out. I keep dancing.
I have fallen in love with living because I have discovered what it means to fight for life when it feels there is no life left within me.
Lifeless, I depend on you for every breath.
You move inside of me, and my heartbeat returns.
I have fallen in love with receiving you. With being immersed in deep union with you.
The cross is my crutch, without it I would be left restlessly sleeping in a pool of my own blood.
Relentlessly, you come after me.
Unconditionally, you love me.
I cried to you God, feeling you did not understand me. Feeling unheard by your ears, left a speck on the earth. Did God create me forgetting to give me a purpose?
I felt I was stuck in the “falling apart” waiting for it all to come together.
Nothing made sense. My mind in a daze. Blinded by the sudden lightening and pouring rain with no shelter.
You returned to me. You walked on the shore beside me. I saw no footprints, but I discovered this was because you were walking through the water with me while I felt I was drowning.