October 28, 2020
Value. What does it mean to be “valued”? To feel “valued”? If you think of it, we place a lot of things off of Value in our life. Friendships, family, money, possessions, and even our own self-identity. We desire to feel valued, and to be valued... and when we’re not, it can deeply cause a lot of damage to our souls and our hearts. When someone makes us feel invaluable, we often feel worthless
Some people are at constant war with themselves. They live in a darkness where they are constantly asking themselves “who are you?” not as in “who will you become?” But rather, as in “How are you alive?" and "Why are you living?” But these identity questions are that of self-doubt; not of self-potential. We live in a world where we’re all drowning in confusion and we don’t know how to get ourselves out. But God says “Find your identity in me. I am the giver and source of life. In giving yourself to me, you will find yourself. You have an irreplaceable role.” An irreplaceable role in His story.
There is a lot of anxiety in the world today; probably more than ever. There is so much comparison going on and lies growing in our own hearts which blind us from reality. Many people tell themselves lies. We lie about others… we lie to ourselves. Women fail to see their worthiness and beauty. Men often fail to see that having a struggle and being vulnerable about it doesn’t make them weak; it makes them real, and that is a strength. We walk through life constantly comparing our lives to the lives of others, while others are comparing theirs to ours. While we do this, we’re missing our own lives… we’re trying to live someone else’s life that wasn’t meant for us to live. Our life is a gift to the world. Your life is worth living, and you’re best fit for the life that was given to you and everything that comes with it. See, our lives aren’t meant to be comfortable. They’re not meant to be perfect. Our lives are meant to be lived not for ourselves, but for the lives of others. St. John Paul II says “Man cannot fully find himself, except through a sincere gift of self.”
The Cycle of Use stretches more and more each day, and through it, we begin to lose sight of the dignity of the person in front of us. The Cycle of Abuse kicks in. Tearing away a person’s sense of their worth from their own heart. You didn’t choose it. But it happened. And you were deeply affected by it. Abuse shapes the way that you view your own worth, and thus, the worth of others. Our culture is forgetting how to love. In the Cycle of Use, a person will often use the other to feel loved; to feel that love that he or she perhaps never felt. This is a selfish desire where the other is not loved in return. Have you ever wondered why there seem to be so many more broken hearts these days? The Cycle of Use. Or why so many people often feel alone? Why so many people feel unloved? The Cycle of Use. They were used as an object, and thrown away without their identity as a person being acknowledged. In the cycle of use, the more you give away, the emptier you feel. Why? Because it is not a free gift. It is not given out of love for the other. There is no reception; only taking for one’s own selfish desire.
Why do so many feel so broken, hurt, and wounded? The Cycle of Abuse. I read this book called “Captivating” by Statsi Eldredge, and it spoke to me on so many levels. In her book, she said, “Words were said, painful words. Things were done, awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside of us shifted. We embraced the messages of our wounds. We accepted a twisted view of ourselves. And from that we chose a way of relating to our world. We made a vow never to be in that place again. We adopted strategies to protect ourselves from being hurt again. A woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart is a woman who is living a self-protective life. She may not be aware of it, but it is true. It’s our way of trying to ‘save ourselves’” (Eldredge 75).
We've all been wounded in one way or the other, and we all deal with it differently. Some of us confront it and speak about it, and some of us keep it deep down in our hearts. How do your wounds affect you? For myself, I pushed back everything and kept it deep inside me. But this Infected me. I thought that maybe if I decided to just Not Care about these issues, then maybe they wouldn’t affect me. Maybe they wouldn’t hurt so much. That I just wouldn’t feel it. So I stuffed it deep inside of me and put a callus over it. I thought that maybe if I just ignore the pain... if I just ignore the fact that I’m hurting, then I would just forget that it’s there in the first place. So I brushed it off my shoulder. I tried to forget the horrible words or things done to me… forget the pain that was caused to me. Forget that I was wounded. And Forget the feeling of loneliness. But all I was doing was hiding from it. Does this sound familiar to you? This is why I take so seriously brushing harmful things off because they can damage us and those around us more than we even know, especially when we look back on it and it’s too late. And sometimes, we don’t even realize it until it is too late. I brushed it off my shoulder and had a “not caring” attitude for a long time. Pretty soon, I hardly even cared about anything. I seemed numb to anything that could cause me pain. But “not caring” doesn’t solve the problem. It doesn’t erase the fact that the problem still exists. One cannot get stabbed with an arrow and brush it off, not caring or allowing it to bother them. It is still there, and it is still wounding them. Nothing will be done to change the fact that it is slowly killing you unless you do something about it. Sometimes, we have to pull the arrow out of ourselves, even if we know it’s going to be painful. Because first, we have to recognize that it’s there.
Why do we choose not to care? Is it because we are afraid of something? Are we afraid that we will he hurt more by allowing ourselves to recognize the pain? Are we afraid that we will damage a relationship, when our hearts are possibly at stake? Or are we just tired of being put down? Are we afraid of what others will think of us because we frankly don’t want to look like a weak loser or someone who takes damaging things too seriously? Well then tell me.... who would think lightly of something that is damaging a person’s own soul? If you’re being damaged by something, or someone, no one is going to take that lightly, not even you (even if you want to). Why are we more afraid to fix the problem than to live with it and get wounded more? Recognizing pain does not hurt us more... the pain is already there, we are only trying to heal it. Relationships with others should be based on the good of another, so why would we be worried that we are destroying a relationship if we are only trying to fix damage caused to us? If a relationship is being destroyed, it is not a true loving relationship, because it is not looking out for the sake of the other person’s good.
Value... Value is a strong word. And when someone makes us feel invaluable, we feel worthless.
One day, I came across a reflection I wrote during a time of struggle in my own heart:
...It was constant push up- push harder, draw closer to a higher goal. To the next goal. And no matter how high or hard I went, it never seemed to satisfy. What am I supposed to do if they say ‘give it your best’ but I still felt that my “best” was never “good enough”? [We] received wounds as a child. Those wounds grew into scars. Some of which have reopened. I did my best to heal them, to fix them. But the fear of not being enough still remains. But in prayer, God responded to me. He said, “You are enough for me, and I know you better than anyone. I know your deepest wounds, and yet, I still delight in You. If you are enough for me, then you are more than enough for them. I am drawn to your brokenness, because I desire to pick you up piece by piece and put you back together. Do you see how others are attracted to lovely people? Furthermore, they are drawn to lovely people. Not pulled to, not enslaved to. It is because humans are attracted to what is beautiful. Who can look at something beautiful and find it ugly or unsatisfying? Only those who wish to stay in darkness. Only those that are afraid of the beautiful because they know it is transformative. What are you living for? Are you living for them or for me? When you live life for me, you bring LIFE to them… to their lives. You no longer are living for them, you are bringing my life to their souls. When a woman possesses beauty in her heart, she draws all those around her to God because they are attracted to what is beautiful.”
“You cannot be alive very long without being wounded” (Eldridge 65).
What formed me as a Character? If I could answer in one word, I’d say “challenges.” Challenges sculpt us. We can either allow ourselves to be sculpted or destroyed. Challenges form us as characters. Challenges can be good or bad, but they always push us to be something better. One dominant challenge in my life was the way all my coaches pushed me, especially my tumbling coach sophomore year who pushed me constantly to a higher level, not letting me leave the gym till I ended on a good note; till we were both satisfied. Telling me to get up and try again when I was down on myself. I always loved it when she conditioned me hard and I always asked her to condition me to the point where I literally couldn’t hold myself up and would fall time and time again. I’d get back up, because I knew this would make me a better athlete. When I was at the point of tears and frustrated with myself for not progressing in the moment, she’d always remind me “Don’t focus on how much you have yet to achieve, but look back on how far you’ve come.” I’ve taken this very important piece of advice with me all throughout life. She molded a better character out of me to have confidence in myself and try my best even when it is hardest, and to try even harder when I feel like giving up. It took blood, sweat, tears, and every last ounce of effort that I had in me, but it was worth it all. How much are we willing to push through suffering in life in order to let a better version of ourself be transformed?
If you’re afraid to fail, you will never try. In fact, in order to succeed, sometimes it takes failure after failure after failure. We are strengthened through our failures. We learn to get up because we have experienced falling down. In sports, as an athletes, we take on the risk. We do not back down from a challenge… an opportunity to become a better athlete. I give it everything I’ve got to the point of pain because sometimes, we are strengthened through the most painful moments. Success is always available for those who work hard to achieve it. You cannot be successful if you do not try. To get somewhere, you have to start. You have to move. Success isn’t going to find its way to you… you have to climb to it- you have to reach it.
Why are we always focusing on our weaknesses? Always trying to improve our weaknesses; to perfect our failures. But we so often lose sight of our strengths. What are your strengths? What are you strong in? Look at your strengths, and use those to help perfect you as a person, and to reach out to others in need of your strength. Once we understand our strengths, we can use those strengths to become more confident, rather than trying to focus solely on fixing our weaknesses. Just because your strengths were belittled, doesn’t mean they were taken away. Abuse isn’t something that the victim chooses, and it is certainly something no one deserves, but it happens, and it wounds each person who encounters it. However, it does not make the victim any less valuable than they really are. It doesn't take away their value, or lessen their worth. Rather, it gives them an ability to grow in love, and a chance to become stronger through the suffering. When we suffer, we are united to the Lord. Even He was abused, mocked, and hurt, and his worth was never separated from his soul- and He is the greatest among us. Every wound can always be slowly healed a little more, and there is always hope in the now and in the future. Let us always remember that Storms bring Strength, and with God, all things are possible. He walks in when we least expect and calms our storms.
Sources:
"Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by Stasi Eldredge